


bad days

by softbebe



Series: always ends soft [13]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 15:29:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13367637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softbebe/pseuds/softbebe
Summary: Minhyuk is like steel – he bends but he never breaks – and Hoseok feels rusty in comparison.





	bad days

**Author's Note:**

> happy new year! i think there are only 3 more parts after this.

There are bad days. They pull at Hoseok from the inside, slowly, painfully. It’s like there are sharp fingernails dug into the softest parts of him, the most fragile parts of his heart and stomach and lungs, and they take their time tugging him apart.

On this day, Hoseok stops Minhyuk as the others head out of the practice room to grab a bite to eat. He can’t raise his eyes from the floor.

“You guys go ahead,” Minhyuk says to the others. “We’ll catch up in a second.”

It’s a testament to how much they all trust each other than they don’t ask. Hoseok hears sounds of confirmation. Jooheon says to text him their orders and they’ll bring food back for them. And then several pairs of footsteps recede into silence.

Hoseok lets go of Minhyuk’s arm. He waits until Minhyuk has shut the door before saying, “I need a hug.”

His voice can’t even stay steady through it. His eyes prick already, blurring his sight of the dance floor. He’s ashamed of himself, but Minhyuk pulls him close and gives him a shoulder to lean on.

“What’s wrong?” Minhyuk asks, smelling like sweat, skin still flushed from practice, hot and damp. “You looked kind of sad all day.”

Hoseok turns his face into Minhyuk’s neck, lips finding more warmth. He doesn't mind the clammy feeling. He’s been longing to be held all day, like maybe someone else’s arms around him would make him feel less like he’s crumbling.

“Today was hard. I don’t know why. There’s no reason but I just feel…” He trails off with a halfhearted shrug.

“It’s okay,” Minhyuk says, cradling the back of his head. “It’s okay.”

“I just had a bad day.”

“That’s okay.”

“I’m just so tired, and I’m behind on my lyrics, and my workouts haven’t been good and I’ve been eating too much junk food and I feel like I’m slipping up on stage and I’m stressing about so many things.”

Minhyuk rubs his back, hums soothingly. His arm around Hoseok are warm, everything is warm. “It’s okay. You’re getting into your own head. Take a break. Take care of yourself.”

“I have to go to my studio later. I have so much work to do.”

Minhyuk grunts a negative. “Just take a break tonight. Go easy on yourself.”

“But –”

“No buts,” Minhyuk says, voice rising, and then gentler: “None of us like seeing you beat yourself up like this.”

“Sorry.”

“Take it back.”

“What?”

“That you’re sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Minhyuk says, nosing at Hoseok’s temple, kissing his ear, trying to get Hoseok to look at him but Hoseok is still too embarrassed and ashamed. “You have nothing to apologize about.”

“I’m sorry for making all of you worry.”

“Hoseok-hyung, you’re going to make me angry. Stop apologizing.”

“I’m –” Hoseok catches himself. He exhales against Minhyuk’s neck before pulling back. What he sees makes him want to hide again – so much worry that had been hidden so well in Minhyuk’s voice, but is plain as day on his face.

Hoseok bites his lip, trying to wait out the tightening in his throat. He blinks, and his lashes are wet. “Nothing went right today. Ugh, god, I don’t want to do this,” he says, meaning the crying.

He tries to turn away, but Minhyuk takes his face, thumbs away the tears.

“It’s fine. And it’s okay if things don’t go right. You do so much for us. You can have an off day now and then.” Hoseok’s gaze starts to drop, so Minhyuk cups his jaw, tips his head up higher, making Hoseok look back at him. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Hoseok says. Minhyuk smiles at him, but he can’t smile back.

“I’m taking you home. You need to relax.”

He doesn’t let Hoseok argue, just steers him out of the practice room, the company building, to the curb where the air smells like nighttime. They take a cab, and back home Minhyuk steers him inside, points him to the bathroom.

“Get ready for a shower.”

“Why?” Hoseok asks, though he’s going to do what Minhyuk says regardless. He just wants some guidance and Minhyuk is providing it.

“Because. You need a hot shower. You need to unwind. Go.”

Hoseok goes. He peels off his practice clothes, starts the water, waits for it to warm up. Minhyuk comes in a minute later, shuts the door, and takes off his own shirt.

“Water ready?”

“Yeah,” Hoseok says, putting his hand under the spray to make sure. He watches Minhyuk slip out of his pants.

“I need a shower too. And I let the others know we came home. They said they’ll be back after eating and practicing the new part of the choreo a bit longer.” He nods Hoseok into the shower, then follows him inside.

It’s a small space, glass walls close on every side, which means they have to stand even closer. It’s rare to ever be alone at the dorm like this, but Hoseok is tired and Minhyuk doesn’t seem to want to do anything more than be here, making sure he’s okay. So Hoseok just lets the water stream over him, down his back and over his shoulders, tips his head so the water can wet his hair and dribble down his face.

“Turn around,” Minhyuk says. His voice echoes slightly off the glass.

Hoseok turns, and is surprised by warm hands settling on his shoulders and then kneading. He steadies himself against the wall as Minhyuk massages up and down his back, loosening his muscles – thumbs and knuckles and palms digging in, no technique but Hoseok still finds himself sinking into foggy-headed bliss. Soon Minhyuk works shampoo into his hair, massaging his scalp. Hoseok shivers, eyes shut, entire body floaty and serene.

“Turn again,” Minhyuk says again, words almost lost in the rush of the shower.

Hoseok can’t even pull his eyes open, but he turns. Minhyuk washes the shampoo out of his hair, careful to keep it away from his eyes – light touches around Hoseok’s face, directing the water this way and that. There’s the sound of Minhyuk setting the shower head back against the wall, and then a soft pressure against Hoseok’s lips.

“Jeez, hyung,” Minhyuk sighs, breath skimming over Hoseok’s mouth. “I hate seeing you like this. Like earlier. You’re always overthinking.”

Hoseok opens his eyes to find Minhyuk so close he goes cross-eyed trying to see him. Minhyuk chuckles and gives him a little more space.

“I know,” Hoseok says. “I’m –” He cuts himself off before he can apologize. Minhyuk gives him a knowing smile, and Hoseok looks at him, really looks at him, long and intense like the water isn’t dulling his sight and his hair isn’t falling into his eyes.

What he sees is Minhyuk, simple as that. Minhyuk with his waterlogged hair like a helmet against his scalp, with stubble on his upper lip and his jaw, with sleepiness etched so deep into his face it looks permanent.

Just having him here makes Hoseok feel safer. Secure. Cared for. But smaller, also, because Minhyuk is like steel – he bends but he never breaks – and Hoseok feels rusty in comparison. Not bright enough and not confident enough and always so scared of falling behind.

“Hey,” Minhyuk says. He sets a hand on Hoseok’s hip, frowns at him with that pull of concern and a bit of hopefulness too. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

It’s an open invitation. Hoseok knows he should take it.

“I –” Hoseok swallows. The shower spray thrums against his back, starting to cool down. He feels like anything he’d say would be remain in the shower stall forever, forever echoing between the four walls, so maybe he can actually let out some of the things on his mind and won’t have to worry about the fallout.

Things like _I’m tired_ and _I’m worried_ and _Am I bothering you?_ and _You do more than you even know for me._

Instead, he leans in and presses his lips to Minhyuk’s. “I’m so lucky,” he breathes. And then he takes Minhyuk’s face, really kisses him, pouring so much into it.

He hopes Minhyuk can feel it filling him up, all these emotions he’s trying to communicate. Helplessness and relief and grief and joy and something so pinpoint sharp and overwhelming and terrifying and certain – and can they have that? Can they?

Minhyuk’s arms fall to his side as he lets Hoseok kiss him, takes it all. The water rushes and Hoseok squeezes his eyes shut and his lips are smashed against Minhyuk’s too hard. It can’t look pretty and he knows the horrible desperate longing he feels isn’t pretty either, but Minhyuk isn’t going anywhere, doesn’t leave.

The kiss turns into just a press of lips, and then Hoseok’s forehead resting against Minhyuk’s. The water has gone cool but the air inside the cramped shower feels hot. Though Hoseok knows it’s just himself, just his own heart beating hard.

He wants to say it, has it on the tip of his tongue and is struggling, but he isn’t going to. They aren’t going to.

* * *

They’re sitting on the couch when the others return. Both their hair damp, Minhyuk’s arm slung over Hoseok’s shoulders, Hoseok tipped into Minhyuk’s side, head resting on his chest. The smell of soap is still fresh on Minhyuk’s body. There’s a movie playing on the TV, but the volume’s too low and neither have bothered turning it up. Hoseok’s eyes slipped shut a long time ago, and it’s only the sound of the door that startles him out of his doze.

He sits up straight. Minhyuk retracts his arm. The others come into the living room.

“Hey,” Kihyun says, holding out a plastic bag with a couple takeout boxes inside. “We saved you two some.”

Hoseok takes it with a muttered thanks. He can tell Kihyun wants to ask, and is glad he doesn’t.

The rest of the members go to bed slowly but surely, while Hoseok and Minhyuk eat, cross-legged and facing each other on the couch. By the time the dorm has gone quiet, Minhyuk has almost finished his noodles. When he sees Hoseok’s box empty, he transfers what’s left of his over.

“Eat it,” he says, with a little smile and nod of encouragement.

“What about –”

“It’s fine. You’re hungry. Eat it.”

Instead of doing that, Hoseok glances toward the hallway, making sure it’s absolutely silent. And then he sets his chopsticks down and leans forward over their takeout boxes to kiss Minhyuk. They’re in plain sight but Minhyuk doesn’t flinch away, so Hoseok feels a little bit braver.

He lets the moment last until he’s satisfied, and then he pulls back slowly. Opens his eyes, sees nothing but fondness reflected back in Minhyuk’s, and whispers, “Thank you.”


End file.
